If you really knew me, you'd know that I care a lot about what people think of me. Or at least what they will remember of me.

I notice this in new groups I enter. I catch myself trying to be funnier than I am. Take up more space than I need to. Why? To be remembered.

But at the same time it's actual intimacy that scares me. Because feeling like you got close to someone hurts even more when they forget your name the next time you see them.

The last time I visited home I noticed that my dad does this too. The group loves him, but no the individuals. And I've felt this way too. That I'm at my best in group settings, but not 1 on 1.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I didn't like school. And a big part of that is my relationship to my teachers. I wish I could have been closer to my teachers.

But teachers see hundreds of kids a year. They are probably the last ones who will remember you. At least that's what I told myself. My dad can't even remember my best friends' names.

When I first started seeing my coach, she asked me what my biggest fear was. The fear of being insignificant came up. I couldn't relate.

I've always been pretty self-assured. In some ways I live in my own bubble. But now I understand that I rage because I have this fear. Of being insignificant and forgotten.

But now I also understand that you aren't remembered for your words. Or your wit. You are remembered for how you make people feel. I want to be remembered for who I was really was. For complete & utter authenticity.

If you really knew me, you'd know that my friends are still changing. And I feel deeply insecure about that. When I go to weddings, all I can think about are who my groomsmen are going to be.

But I also know that the people who you surround yourself with define you. And the people I find just keep getting better and better. It makes me want to change the lightbulbs on this bat signal so it can shine even brighter and let my people find me. It's a big world out there.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I usually spend my birthdays thinking about where I want to be and how I'm not there yet. And as a result, I'm usually pretty sad. But this year I was pretty happy. And coincidentally this year I didn't have any answers for where I wanted to be.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I care a lot about you. Just for reading this and being here with me. Thank you. I love you.

P.S. I wrote this on a flight from San Francisco to Amsterdam on Dec 17th, 2025. I was watching a movie called "The Holdovers" about boarding school and it made a lot of things click for me.